Parenting Wisdom and Success Stories:

"Your website does make me feel I can do better, maybe even stop yelling if I can just get enough sleep. But here is my question. Does it really work? I love my kids, but staying patient when they act up is hard. That's not how I was raised. Maybe I can stay calm during a tantrum, but I'm no saint. If I do all this, will my kids really act nicer and listen better? Or will they just take advantage of me being nice, and act even worse? No offense, but it's easy to give advice. Mostly on your website people ask for advice and you give it but we don't hear whether it works. It would make my day if there are parents who try to do all this and it actually works." 
-Lindsey

Lindsey is right. Giving advice is easy.

Staying patient when our kids act up is hard. Empathizing with our child when we just want him to cooperate is hard. Breathing our way through a meltdown is hard. Managing our own emotions is really, really hard. And yes, it is so much harder if we're sleep deprived, as parents so often are.

But when we do the hard work--to stay patient, to see it from our child's point of view, to stay playful--we change. 

And our child changes. And I know from personal and professional experience that we don't have to be saints. There's no way to be a perfect parent, and lots of ways to be a good one. We just have to try, and our intention makes a huge difference. Sometimes we have the internal fortitude to stay calm during a tantrum, which models emotional regulation for our child. Sometimes the best we can do is make amends, reconnect, and try again tomorrow. The miracle is, that's enough. Love actually works.

So will you help me make Lindsey's day? Will you write to me and tell me if doing this hard work has made a difference with your child?

It might be a recent incident in which you were able to stop your own meltdown and reconnect with your child. Or you got your child back on track by seeing things from his perspective. Maybe you allow feelings at your house now, and you noticed yesterday that your child is less rebellious. Or you saw your older child be empathic to your younger one. Or maybe you're better at taking care of yourself now, and you're enjoying parenting more. Maybe you're even like the mom I heard from at Thanksgiving, whose five year old said she was thankful for a mom who doesn't yell any more.

Whatever your story, large or small, it's a testament to your hard work. Please share it, the more specific the better. I'll post it here, as a gift to Lindsey and all the other parents who just need to know that all this hard work is worth it.

Dr. Laura.....Thank you for putting this together - I am really looking forward to reading other parents responses to this! For me, this type of parenting is a daily journey and a daily choice. I feel that every morning I have to make a commitment not to yell, to stay calm, to chose love. And there is something very empowering about that. I've learned that when I apologize to my kids when I make mistakes and slip - I see that when they accept my apology, they feel empowerment and generosity of spirit. I see that this influences their behavior with each other - there are more kind words and gestures, more "I'm sorry" and more "Don't worry, I know it wasn't your fault" that they extend to each other, than before. There are days when things are a big struggle, but I really feel that something is changing deep within our hearts AND I feel us grow closer together when we chose love, and when in the middle of a tantrum I hug my child and genuinely tell him that I hear his pain and that I'll help him work through it. So I think the biggest thing is - more feeling of connection that I feel with my children and that I see them exhibit towards each other.

What Parents Have to Say

Dear Dr. Laura,
I have always tried to stay on the path of non-coercive parenting and striven to inspire cooperation rather than forcing it. The biggest challenge to my patience has always been when my three year old daughter seems to be willfully refusing to cooperate. I understand that this is her way of experimenting with her own independence, but I still had such a hard time not getting angry, especially when there was someplace we had to be and she would just not do anything to help get us out the door. Inspired by something in your newsletter or website - I don't even remember what it was - I decided to do an experiment. When she became defiant I simply went over to her and gave her a big hug and told her how much I love her, then repeated the request in a soft voice (repeat as needed). My idea was that this would

1) remind me not to be angry and

2) remind her of our connection and that she really did want to be helpful and not hurtful.

The effect that doing this had on my blood pressure was impressive, but the effect it had on her behavior was beyond belief. She went from defiant to eager to please in a single hug. This is just the most striking example of how applying the advice you give has strengthened our bond and smoothed our family life. I could give many more, but I hope this is enough to help make Lindsey's day. This is also very opposite to the way I was raised and it is so powerful! Thanks for all of the inspiration!

My transformation into being a parent has been very challenging. As they say, "I thought I was the greatest parent, then I had kids." I saw parts of me come up I never knew existed, mainly things that were taught to me by my father. I would take other peoples advice and it often didn't work and contradicted what I was feeling in my heart. My husband helped me to realize how my negativity was actually fueling my daughter's, like she was mirroring me. I would some times "lose it" and go off on her always feeling terrible later, but still angry and wanting her to "get it". Well, one day, I just lost it and got angry, yelling at her. I knew I was the one feeling bad inside, I didn't have a good day. So instead of going off and apologizing to her and feeling like poo. I went outside and breathed. I decided to be humble with myself and even started to cry. I had to forgive myself and know I was just doing the best I could. Do you know that my daughter, who was 4, came outside to see me and said with a hopeful smile, "are you feeling better?" I smiled and picked her up and gave her a hug. She knew what I needed. I can always help her so much better and our relationship is so much better when I have taken care of myself, spiritually, mentally and physically. It's a tough job being a parent. And I'm so grateful that our children really are forgiving to us when they see that we really are trying to be better for them and us.

"My boy is a wonder........yes of course, I am biased! And still it's not just me honest! I have virtual strangers complementing me on the spark he shares.....often! Of course some times he is cranky, distracted, ignorant, selfish, greedy, insensitive......and he is mostly present because he doesn't live in a fear state but in a love state. We've had some tough times.....I can be all of the above!!!...... I see the fluctuations.....but that's my basis for parenting these days. If I parent from love he has faith there is love in the world and inspires that love in those he meets and that reinforces his positive behaviour....for all of us have our 'imperfections' but what we focus our attention on and feed is what we experience so I know which way I want to face and which behaviour to feed....keep up the good work...be authentic.....love opens up more possibilities than fear I promise xxxx"

Yes, it is hard. Yes, it works. No, you can't be perfect and trying to be will surely be your downfall... I have very strong-willed four-year-old and since discovering Aha! parenting, I see differences in his ability to self-regulate and I feel like a kinder and more competent parent. I also worried that this approach might spoil my kids or cause more misbehavior, but it helps them to want to and to try to be better (notice the word here is better, not perfect)...

A specific example: My four-year-old son sometimes bursts into tears (with yelling) over seemingly ridiculous things. Last weekend, my son started crying and screaming at me over something I can't even remember now. I took a deep breath and resisted the urge to make him be respectful towards me and to basically tell him to get over it (my past usual reaction). I brought him to his room and held him on my lap and let him cry. I told him I understood why he wanted to do that and that it was hard not to be allowed to do things you want to do when you want to do them and that I bet he would do that all day long when he got bigger. He cried for maybe one minute, got up and said, "Okay, I'm done. Let's go to the park!"

In the past, these incidents would turn into major battles and end in my feeling exhausted and like a horrible parent because I didn't have the patience I needed. Sometimes, I still run out of patience and have to apologize. My son now apologizes to me too when he runs out of patience and explains to me that he was just frustrated but didn't mean it......

My eighteen-month old: Being my second child, he has the benefit of parents who have learned a bit from past mistakes. He does not have as many tantrums as my older son had at his age because I am more willing to let him explore his environment and don't have unrealistic expectations of how obedient he should be. He loves to play with water, so I let him stand on his little stool and splash around in the sink. If he gets too carried away, I redirect him. He accepts this redirection with less fuss because he is given more freedom to act like a toddler. My older son resisted me tremendously at that age because I put too many restrictions on the age-appropriate behaviors he exhibited!

I would say it definitely works...I would just share a recent incident(though there are quite a few more). It was my daughters 4th birthday and she had a school holiday. My elder son (6 yrs) had school. Everyone was calling up to wish my daughter well...I was busy with my son to send him to school. He generally never is fussy about geting ready for school...bit that day he was not eating his breakfast or taking a bath but was justwasting his time...I got irritated but then something within told me he must be feeling jealous. So i gave him a hug and asked if was feeling so he replied yes....then just for 5 minutes i took him in arms and told him that even i am feeling so...but its ok....that everyone has his own special day...and whether you believe it or not he was feeling better and went to school on time.... I was really happy that i could read his emotions and that i behaved in a proper manner. Thanks to you!

I have seen amazing improvement in my *very* angry 17 year-old son after acknowledging that there was a reason he was so angry and acting out. We have had several heartfelt conversations and I have seen a real change in how he treats his younger brother, and how he treats me.

What I have noticed by practicing Dr. Laura's advice on empathizing with your child, is that it does dissipate the conflict. I am not always good at it....and at times catch myself retaliating in the temper tantrum ....but then I catch myself...and try to remember what it must be like for these little guys. I try REALLY hard to put myself in their shoes. It's tough, but when I do stop myself, take a deep breath and switch gears to a more empathetic self....a lot changes....not in seconds, but usually within 10 mins or so. Its tough b/c I have three little ones, so to get time to focus on one and sit down alone with him and work it out, well it can be a juggling act. My husband uses humor with the kids when things turn south. It ALWAYS works. I am not as good with using humor when I'm frustrated, but definitely using empathy works for me.

And when giving a time-out (so to speak), I now always go on the "time out" with him. If he is violent, I keep my distance, by closing the gate or door if needed...but I always keep the connection (as Laura suggested). This has made a huge difference. To let him know his feelings are ok and that I am right there with him as he is raging has made a world of difference.

My husband & I talk about how hard raising kids are almost daily. But I do agree with Laura, its better to lay the ground work down now, when they are young. To keep that bond an connection with your child. Because if you do not, you can not get it back. Its like creating a brick wall. With each disconnect experience they feel from you, another brick is getting placed on the wall. As the child gets older, it will be too hard for them to really feel close to the parent on a deeper level because their trust has been broken. I have first hand experience with this. My parents, who practiced the old fashion methods of discipline, & I are not very close. I pray, I do not repeat this cycle and am trying hard to practice Dr. Laura parenting style. So far I see it is working!

Your advice has definitely changed my life! For starters, keeping my cup full (and being aware of the reasons for doing so) has helped enormously. Using humor and play to diffuse situations almost always works. The tantrums are easier to get through. Two things you said that have stuck with me:

1) Remember the innocence

2) Every difficult moment between child/parent is an opportunity to connect...

These two things have been huge for me!!!!!! I'm not always "perfect" but I'm sooo much better! And my two-year-old daughter has started volunteering apologies after the tantrum has cooled and she's had a chance to process everything. Finally, your advice about slowing down the pace, and being more flexible with as much as possible has really helped me with my own expectations. Thank you, Dr. Markham. You help me create small miracles every day. You have changed our lives for good!

Thank you so much for everything you do.

After several rough days in a row with my toddler, I felt like I might explode. She was being so defiant, whining, destroying everything in her path like a wild, angry tornado. I kept admonishing her, telling her to settle down, disciplining her. I never stopped to ask myself what *her* perspective was, or if I was doing something to add to her frustration.

After two days, I spent a few hours reading Aha! Parenting after I put my daughter down to bed.
The next morning, frustrated again, she smacked me. A little part of me died. But instead of getting angry, I remembered what I'd read the night before. I told her it was okay for her to be mad at me, but that we never, ever hit. It's not allowed. I said it seemed like she'd had a rough couple of days. With her very limited language, she simply said, "Yeah."

I told her that I'd been very distracted and busy and that we hadn't had any fun for a few days.
"Yeah," she said.

Then I asked her if she'd like to have a start-over hug. She threw her arms around me and held on boa constrictor-tight for about five minutes. When she finally pulled away from me, she had the brightest, biggest smile. I dropped all my work (no task will ever be as important as giving this baby of mine every opportunity to thrive) and we just played. And played. And we are still playing.

IT DOES WORK!!!! even though I don't end up following through ALL the way, I believe it helps. Kids mirror our behavior. If we yell, they yell. If we hit, they hit. Often, when my kids are nasty to each other, I'll say: why are you doing this. You know what they say? "because you do it mommy". That really hurts, because it's true. So the advice does work, even if you don't manage to follow through all the way, whatever you can implement is good.

Yes. It works. It's not an overnight cure, but it works....My mother was a yeller, and as hard as I tried, I couldn't stop yelling. ...I have been practicing approaching my children in this new way, and although some days I get it right, other days - especially if I'm tired - I just lose it. ...So you're absolutely right! Getting sleep is important. For me, it usually means letting go of "time alone" in the evening, and going to bed when the kids go to bed. But it's soooo worth it! 

In the morning I'm rested, and when the moment comes that I feel overwhelmed by my own emotional response to their behaviors—I can pause. In that pause, all the things I've been practicing on the kids come to mind. Only this time, I'm using them on myself. ...I respond empathetically to myself first. And that empathy, connection, and soft response flows then on down to the kids.

One of my biggest triggers has been when I'm trying to make food for them, and they come at me, one after another, demanding, crying, whining. I KNOW they're just hungry. I KNOW they really want my attention, and I don't have any more hands. And they. are. so. persistent. And loud.

Any all my calmness usually goes right out the window I'm staring out. But the last couple of times, I've been able to take a deep breath, and start with repeating their request back to them, "oh, you really want to paint right now. That sounds like fun." And in the time it takes them to describe respond, I breathe, and look for the "YES." Or try asking them to help me get ingredients, or stir (even if it doesn't need stirring). Instead of yelling, I am finding a way to meet their need to connect, to be close. (silent cheering for myself!!) And my kids are so enjoyable at the dinner table! They help clear off the table, put food out, and are excited to sit down together. What a difference!

So absolutely try this!! Learning how to respond to needs without yelling will have rewards beyond the joy, peace & warmth you will feel toward your kids (and they for you). These tools have improved every relationship I have - including with myself.

Your site works for me. It's awesome!

My son said to me one day "pinky swear you won't yell anymore?" That broke my heart and made me realize that yelling only hurts everyone. Doesn't mean I am perfect, but it was a good reminder!

I began using Aha! parenting suggestions around the time my daughter was nearly two years old. This was shortly after an incident where I had flipped out on her after *trying* to listen to her tantrum, and then getting so roiled up inside that I ended up screaming at her, shaking her roughly by the shoulders, and slamming the door to her bedroom as I abandoned her. It's hard to forget that horrified, terrified look on a little person's face! Poor dear. I realize now that I needed to take better care of myself, create some good boundaries, and do some "heart" work to fix some of the parenting ideas I'd been given by my parents. Mind you, my parents were good parents, but they were the type to spank me, then yell at me to "stop crying or they'd give me something to cry about."

It took a lot of faith that what Dr Laura said would work, and so much of it went against conventional wisdom that I was afraid to be the laughing stock of my circle of friends. But having nothing else in my parenting bag to try, I went for it. It was pretty hard for the first month or two - hard mentally. I had to stop my reactions, first of all, which was the most difficult thing. Once I could slow my reactions down and see what I was doing, see how it affected my daughter, and realize my own personal pain that I was projecting onto her, it rapidly became easier. Each time I reminded myself that a tantrum was no emergency, that her feelings wouldn't hurt me, and that I could just stay separate but supportive during her outbursts, it was confidence building. The tantrums grew shorter - but I cannot lie and tell you that it wasn't painful to hear some seemingly UNENDING tantrums at first. But then, when the tantrum was done - it was DONE! No lingering whining, no continued begging for this or that, no hitting or kicking. It's like the whole issue just disappeared. *poof!* The magic really happens when I see how easily my little girl lets go of all the awful, even hurtful mistakes I make, and now that she's old enough, she will openly tell me what she is feeling. All I have to do is wait it out, let her have her feelings, and let her know that I'm on her side - even if I can't give her all she wants. My daughter just turned three, and I tell you that now I am NOT AFRAID of tantrums anymore because they don't have the power to make me want to fight or run from my daughter, and I don't feel out of control even when I am tired, because I know what to do, how to love her the best I can, and that it works!

Lindsey, if you're doubting -- all I can say is...the proof is in the pudding. It really, really works. Try for one day, then just one more day. It takes commitment to spend time with your child at inconvenient moments, and to see your own needs more clearly. Once you become fully aware of your own needs, it makes it much much easier to meet others'. Blessings! Praying for ya!

From:  http://www.ahaparenting.com/best-parent-advice-solutions