PSY

If you announce your goals to others, you are less likely to make them happen because you lose motivation, studies confirmed.

FACTS

Stadet e zhvillimit psikoseksual sipas Frojdit:

Meqënëse Frojdi mësoi nga pacientët e tij që problemet e tyre buronin nga fëmijëria, ai zhvilloi një teori rreth formimit të personalitetit të të rriturit me anë të përvojës së hershme jetësore. Frojdi argumentoi se në cdo shkallë të jetës së fëmijës shtytja për kënaqësi qendërzohet rrotull një zone të vecantë të trupit; së pari goja, pastaj anusi dhe së fundi organet gjenitale. Të gjitha nxitjet e idit ai i etiketon lirshëm "seksuale" për të theksuar që përpjekjet e hershme për kënaqësi seksuale vijnë nga i njëjti rezervuar i energjisë psikike, sic vijnë edhe përpjekjet për seks gjenital. Frojdi përcaktonte 5 stade të zhvillimit psikoseksual të njeriut. Ai besonte se personaliteti i të rriturit formohet nga mënyra sesi zgjidhen konfliktet midis nxitjeve të hershme seksuale dhe kërkesave të imponuara nga shoqëria. Eshtë zgjidhja e këtyre konflikteve që me sa duket i jep formë personalitetit. Sipas tij një person që dështon për të zgjidhur ndonjë nga konfliktet, mund të fiksohet ose të mbyllet në një betejë psikologjike, që shprehet simbolikisht gjatë jetës. Tipare të vecanta të personalitetit varen nga shkalla e fiksimit në zgjidhjen e konflikteve.

• Stadi oral. Gjatë viteve të para të jetës, kënaqësia seksuale e fëmijës fokusohet te goja. Meqënëse thithja është e vetmja mënyrë për një foshnje që të marri ushqim, nuk është surprizë që ky aktivitet të jetë një aspekt i rëndësishëm i jetës së fëmijës. Por Frojdi argumentoi që për një fëmijë kuptimi i të thiturit shkon përtej plotësimit bazë të urisë. Thithja është burim i një kënaqësie intensive, kënaqësi e përputhshme me ato që kanë organet gjenitale seksuale për të rriturit. Sipas Frojdit kjo është arsyeja që ata thithin, kafshojnë dhe përtypin pothuajse cdo gjë që mund të futet në gojë. Fiksimi në stadin gojor mund të ndodhë për shumë arsye p.sh: kur një foshnje vazhdimisht provon ankthe mbi atë që ushqimi do të jepet ose do t'i hiqet,ai mund të mësojë se është totalisht i varur nga të tjerët. Ky mësim e con në një varësi pasive dhe mungesë pavarësie.
• Stadi anal. Ndodh gjatë vitit të dytë të jetës, kur fëmija fillon të zhvillojë kontrollin e vullnetshëm ndaj jashtëqitjes. Si rezultat ata ndjejnë kënaqësi seksuale kur i mbajnë brënda dhe i nxjerrin jashtëqitjet. Pastaj lind kërkesa për pastrim. Stërvitja për të bërë pastrimin në banjë sipas Frojdit është kyce sepse ajo është konflikti i parë në shkallë të gjërë midis impulseve të fëmijës dhe rregullave të shoqërisë. Në qoftë se ky konflikt nuk zgjidhet pëlqyeshëm,fiksacionet përsëri mund të ndodhin. Fëmijët që u nënshtrohen rregullave strikte dhe dënimeve mësojnë të shtypin komplet nxitjet për të defekalizuar në një mënyrë të lirë dhe të pëlqyeshme. Represioni i përsëritur i kësaj nxitjeje mund të rezultojë në formimin e tipareve të personalitetit që janë shumë të kundërta me ato të rastit sic është mosndalimi i nxjerrjes së fekaleve.Tipare,si të qënit i c'rregullt, ashpërsia mund te formohen si shprehje e zemërimit në përgjigje të taktikave ndëshkuese, që përdoren për të mësuar fëmijën të vishet e të zhvishet vetë gjatë këtij stadi.
• Stadi fallik .Ky stad fillon në moshën tre vjecare. Kënaqësia erotike e fëmjës fokusohet në masturbimin pra në vetëmanipulimin e organeve gjenitale. Thuhet se ky stad vecanërisht ka rëndësi në zhvillimin psikologjik sepse është periudha kur konflikti i Edipit supozohet që ndodh. Në formulimin e kompleksit të famshëm të Edipit, Frojdi tha se një djalë tërhiqet në mënyrë të paevitueshme seksualisht nga nëna. Në të njëjtën kohë ky djalë ka edhe ankthin e kastraksionit (tredhjes), ose një frikë inkonshiente, sepse babai do ta ndëshkojë duke i hequr penisin. Frojdi besonte gjithashtu se vajzat vuajnë prej zilisë për penisin që e kanë djemtë e ato nuk e kanë. Kompleksi i Elektrës sipas Frojdit është dëshira e vajzës për ta zotëruar seksualisht të atin dhe në këtë marrëdhënie të zëvendësojë nënën e saj. Kjo dëshirë e vajzës sipas Frojdit lind prej pakënaqësisë që ndjen vajza për trupin e saj jo të plotë (pa penis). Dhe fajin për trupin e saj deficitar e ka nëna. 
• Stadi latent. Nga mosha gjashtë vjeç ka një periudhë “latente” seksualisht të qetë në të cilën kurioziteti i mëparshëm fëminor për çështjet e seksit zëvendësohet nga kurioziteti për të gjithë ambientin e tij rrethues. Ai ndjek shkollën dhe shumë nga energjitë e tij shkojnë për të mësuar. Afërsisht në moshën dymbëdhjetë vjeç me hyrjen në pubertet fillon një ringjallje e interesave të tij seksuale. Në këtë kohë është duke u pjekur sistemi i tij i riprodhimit. Në këtë periudhë të stuhishme faktori qendror psikologjik i fëmijës është pasiguria. Shkaku i kësaj pasigurie është fakti që një trup plotësisht i pjekur fizikisht duhet të udhëhiqet nga një mendje pa eksperiencë. Fëmija ndjen nevojën të testojë dhe të provojë veten. Fillon një garë e madhe si pasojë e mëdyshjeve të fshehura që fëmija i ndjen në këtë kohë. Gjatë këtyre viteve ringjallet edhe kompleksi i Edipit.
• Stadi gjenital. Pjekja (maturimi), ose e ashtuquajtura “faza gjenitale” karakterizohet kryesisht nga njohja e vetes siguria dhe kapaciteti për dashuri prej të pjekuri. Kjo mënyrë sjelljeje bëhet e mundur ngaqë ai në këtë moment ka larguar atë që deri tani ishte kryesore, shqetësimin për veten. Të gjitha fazat e kënaqësisë seksuale pregjenitale qe përqendrohen kryesisht tek vetja janë ego- centriste. Ato janë narcistike, sepse i riu në këtë moshë është i shqetësuar për rritjen e tij, për ambientin e tij fizik dhe mendor. Vetëm kur ka arritur rritjen dhe është bërë i aftë për veten e tij, ai bëhet i zoti ta kthejë dashurinë nga vetja tek një tjetër.

We know from human imaging studies that certain parts of the brain are more or less active in risk-seeking people...

Neural circuits involved in making risky decisions identified:

New research sheds light on what's going on inside our heads as we decide whether to take a risk or play it safe. Scientists at Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis located a region of the brain involved in decisions made under conditions of uncertainty, and identified some of the cells involved in the decision-making process.

The work, published July 27 in The Journal of Neuroscience, could lead to treatments for psychological and psychiatric disorders that involve misjudging risk, such as problem gambling and anxiety disorders.

"We know from human imaging studies that certain parts of the brain are more or less active in risk-seeking people, but the neural circuits involved are largely unknown," said Ilya Monosov, PhD, an assistant professor of neuroscience and senior author on the study. "We found a population of value-coding neurons that are specifically suppressed when animals make a risky choice."

Value-coding neurons are cells whose activity reflects the value of a stimulus -- in this study, the more juice that was offered to a monkey, the bigger the neurons' response. However, shortly before the subject made a risky choice, these neurons became suppressed.

The researchers also found a separate group of neurons that signal information about uncertainty after the choice but before the risky outcome.

As they go about their everyday lives, people often must choose between a safe option and a better, but riskier, option. Do you stay in a secure job or quit to start your own business? Do you keep $2 in your pocket or use the money to buy a lottery ticket?

When the system of evaluating risk goes awry, it can have a severe impact on people's lives. Maladaptive risky behaviors are a feature of compulsive gambling, bipolar disorder and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. People with anxiety, on the other hand, err too far on the side of caution.

To study the neuronal circuits of risk taking, Monosov and colleagues gave rhesus monkeys -- whose brains are structured very similarly to ours -- a choice between a small amount of juice or a 50-50 chance of receiving either double that amount of juice or nothing at all. Over time, the amount of juice received under either condition would be the same, but one option was safe and the other risky.

It turns out rhesus monkeys like to live on the edge. The monkeys chose the risky option more often than the safe option. Moreover, the researchers found that a group of value-coding neurons in a part of the brain called the ventral pallidum were selectively suppressed when monkeys chose a risky option over a safe one. The ventral pallidum plays an important role in controlling levels of dopamine -- a molecule that transmits signals between neurons and makes us feel good.

"The ventral pallidum inhibits dopamine neurons, and suppression of this area during risky behavior may increase dopamine release," said Monosov, who is also an adjunct professor of biomedical engineering.

The results of the study may fit with observations showing an increase in risky behavior among people who take drugs that increase dopamine -- such as methamphetamine users and Parkinson's disease patients treated with L-dopa.

The study also found neurons in a nearby brain area called the medial basal forebrain became most active after the monkeys made a risky choice but before they learned the outcome of their choice -- juice or no juice. That part of the brain provides inputs to a wide network of cortical brain regions involved in learning and memory.

"It makes sense that choosing an uncertain option is an important part of learning," Monosov said. "When people are uncertain, they are driven to resolve the uncertainty. They approach the uncertain option, explore it, and learn from the outcome of their actions."

Modulating the medial basal forebrain by uncertainty could promote or influence learning. However, this remains to be tested.

Monosov now is studying whether temporarily turning off the ventral pallidum and the medial basal forebrain with targeted drug treatments affect the monkeys' risk preferences and the strategies they use to learn.

"There are no anatomically targeted treatments for psychiatric disorders associated with misjudging risk, such as pathological gambling and anxiety," Monosov said. "Now that we know where uncertainty is processed in the brain, we can start looking for ways to modulate it."

From: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/07/160726221159.htm

Helping children with autism new communication skills...I realise the importance of understanding what he understands and...

Helping children with autism transfer new communication skills from home to school:

A University of Manchester-led study is testing whether an intervention with parents and teachers can help children with autism transfer newly acquired social communication skills from home into school.

Previous research found that a therapy to enhance parent-child communication in children with autism can help improve their social communication. However, it did not provide evidence that the benefit spread wider into the school environment.

Children with autism generally have difficulty generalising new skills from one context to another, and this represents a challenge in spreading the benefits of therapy into other aspects of everyday life and development.

Autism is a common developmental disorder, with a prevalence of around 1% of the population. Its estimated UK costs, for childhood autism, are greater than the costs associated with other conditions such as childhood asthma, diabetes or intellectual disability.

The 'Paediatric Autism Communication Trial-Generalised' (PACT-G) study, funded by Efficacy and Mechanism Evaluation Programme (a partnership between the MRC and NIHR), will test new ways to transfer the child's improving communication skills into the education setting. Aimed at 2-11 year olds, the study will look to extend the parent-child therapeutic model to work in education in parallel to working in the home.

It will assess the impact of the intervention across pre-school and middle childhood and compare outcomes with those from previous research. Its design will also enable the researchers to study the mechanism behind this transfer of skills across different settings, and highlight the most efficient means of helping children and families in this area.

University of Manchester Professor of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Honorary Consultant Psychiatrist at the Royal Manchester Children's Hospital, Jonathan Green is leading the project and said, "This project is an exciting opportunity for us to test an extension of our approach using video feedback with parents of young children with autism to include similar training of professionals working with the children in their education setting. If this kind of integrated approach proves to add value for children's development, then it will have important implications for service delivery in the future. The trial also gives us a unique opportunity to investigate how these children generalise skills across contexts -- an important and fundamental question in the developmental science of autism."

The research team will work with school staff using the same techniques they use with parents, as well as encouraging parents and Learning Support Assistants to communicate regularly together about goals and strategies. The aim is to generate a similar change in school to that generated with parents in the home.

Professor Green added, "We hope that these two effects will add together into a greater combined benefit for the child. This study is just beginning and we won't know the results for a few years, but it is part of an ongoing programme to look at the needs of children with autism at different ages and to see if we can get interventions that build on each other through development to improve the lives of these children and their families."

One parent taking part in the study said "I realise the importance of understanding what he understands and making my communication directly relevant to the context of the interaction. It's a real partnership where we discuss the meaning of his communication and I always go away understanding him so much better with insight."

From: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/06/160622145202.htm

Thumb-sucking, nail-biting have a positive side: Kids less likely to develop allergies...

Children who are thumb-suckers or nail-biters are less likely to develop allergic sensitivities, new research has found.

And, if they have both 'bad habits', they are even less likely to be allergic to such things as house dust mites, grass, cats, dogs, horses or airborne fungi.

The research, published in the journal Pediatrics, was completed by researchers of New Zealand's Dunedin School of Medicine, assisted by professor Malcolm Sears of McMaster University's Michael G. DeGroote School of Medicine, and formerly from Dunedin.

"Our findings are consistent with the hygiene theory that early exposure to dirt or germs reduces the risk of developing allergies," said Sears, who is also a researcher for the Firestone Institute for Respiratory Health at McMaster and St. Joseph's Healthcare Hamilton. "While we don't recommend that these habits should be encouraged, there does appear to be a positive side to these habits."

The researchers were testing the idea that the common childhood habits of thumb-sucking and nail-biting would increase microbial exposures, affecting the immune system and reducing the development of allergic reactions also known as atopic sensitization.

The habits of thumb-sucking and nail-biting were measured in a longitudinal birth cohort of more than 1,000 New Zealand children at ages 5, 7, 9 and 11; and atopic sensitization was measured by skin-prick testing at 13 and 32 years old.

The researchers found 31 per cent of children were frequent thumb suckers or nail biters.

Among all children at 13 years old, 45% showed atopic sensitization, but among those with one oral habit, only 40% had allergies. Among those with both habits, only 31% had allergies. This trend was sustained into adulthood, and showed no difference depending on smoking in the household, ownership of cats or dogs; or exposure to house dust mites.

However, the study did not find associations between the oral habits and development of asthma or hay fever.

From: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/07/160711092316.htm?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=facebook

Parenting Wisdom and Success Stories:

"Your website does make me feel I can do better, maybe even stop yelling if I can just get enough sleep. But here is my question. Does it really work? I love my kids, but staying patient when they act up is hard. That's not how I was raised. Maybe I can stay calm during a tantrum, but I'm no saint. If I do all this, will my kids really act nicer and listen better? Or will they just take advantage of me being nice, and act even worse? No offense, but it's easy to give advice. Mostly on your website people ask for advice and you give it but we don't hear whether it works. It would make my day if there are parents who try to do all this and it actually works." 
-Lindsey

Lindsey is right. Giving advice is easy.

Staying patient when our kids act up is hard. Empathizing with our child when we just want him to cooperate is hard. Breathing our way through a meltdown is hard. Managing our own emotions is really, really hard. And yes, it is so much harder if we're sleep deprived, as parents so often are.

But when we do the hard work--to stay patient, to see it from our child's point of view, to stay playful--we change. 

And our child changes. And I know from personal and professional experience that we don't have to be saints. There's no way to be a perfect parent, and lots of ways to be a good one. We just have to try, and our intention makes a huge difference. Sometimes we have the internal fortitude to stay calm during a tantrum, which models emotional regulation for our child. Sometimes the best we can do is make amends, reconnect, and try again tomorrow. The miracle is, that's enough. Love actually works.

So will you help me make Lindsey's day? Will you write to me and tell me if doing this hard work has made a difference with your child?

It might be a recent incident in which you were able to stop your own meltdown and reconnect with your child. Or you got your child back on track by seeing things from his perspective. Maybe you allow feelings at your house now, and you noticed yesterday that your child is less rebellious. Or you saw your older child be empathic to your younger one. Or maybe you're better at taking care of yourself now, and you're enjoying parenting more. Maybe you're even like the mom I heard from at Thanksgiving, whose five year old said she was thankful for a mom who doesn't yell any more.

Whatever your story, large or small, it's a testament to your hard work. Please share it, the more specific the better. I'll post it here, as a gift to Lindsey and all the other parents who just need to know that all this hard work is worth it.

Dr. Laura.....Thank you for putting this together - I am really looking forward to reading other parents responses to this! For me, this type of parenting is a daily journey and a daily choice. I feel that every morning I have to make a commitment not to yell, to stay calm, to chose love. And there is something very empowering about that. I've learned that when I apologize to my kids when I make mistakes and slip - I see that when they accept my apology, they feel empowerment and generosity of spirit. I see that this influences their behavior with each other - there are more kind words and gestures, more "I'm sorry" and more "Don't worry, I know it wasn't your fault" that they extend to each other, than before. There are days when things are a big struggle, but I really feel that something is changing deep within our hearts AND I feel us grow closer together when we chose love, and when in the middle of a tantrum I hug my child and genuinely tell him that I hear his pain and that I'll help him work through it. So I think the biggest thing is - more feeling of connection that I feel with my children and that I see them exhibit towards each other.

What Parents Have to Say

Dear Dr. Laura,
I have always tried to stay on the path of non-coercive parenting and striven to inspire cooperation rather than forcing it. The biggest challenge to my patience has always been when my three year old daughter seems to be willfully refusing to cooperate. I understand that this is her way of experimenting with her own independence, but I still had such a hard time not getting angry, especially when there was someplace we had to be and she would just not do anything to help get us out the door. Inspired by something in your newsletter or website - I don't even remember what it was - I decided to do an experiment. When she became defiant I simply went over to her and gave her a big hug and told her how much I love her, then repeated the request in a soft voice (repeat as needed). My idea was that this would

1) remind me not to be angry and

2) remind her of our connection and that she really did want to be helpful and not hurtful.

The effect that doing this had on my blood pressure was impressive, but the effect it had on her behavior was beyond belief. She went from defiant to eager to please in a single hug. This is just the most striking example of how applying the advice you give has strengthened our bond and smoothed our family life. I could give many more, but I hope this is enough to help make Lindsey's day. This is also very opposite to the way I was raised and it is so powerful! Thanks for all of the inspiration!

My transformation into being a parent has been very challenging. As they say, "I thought I was the greatest parent, then I had kids." I saw parts of me come up I never knew existed, mainly things that were taught to me by my father. I would take other peoples advice and it often didn't work and contradicted what I was feeling in my heart. My husband helped me to realize how my negativity was actually fueling my daughter's, like she was mirroring me. I would some times "lose it" and go off on her always feeling terrible later, but still angry and wanting her to "get it". Well, one day, I just lost it and got angry, yelling at her. I knew I was the one feeling bad inside, I didn't have a good day. So instead of going off and apologizing to her and feeling like poo. I went outside and breathed. I decided to be humble with myself and even started to cry. I had to forgive myself and know I was just doing the best I could. Do you know that my daughter, who was 4, came outside to see me and said with a hopeful smile, "are you feeling better?" I smiled and picked her up and gave her a hug. She knew what I needed. I can always help her so much better and our relationship is so much better when I have taken care of myself, spiritually, mentally and physically. It's a tough job being a parent. And I'm so grateful that our children really are forgiving to us when they see that we really are trying to be better for them and us.

"My boy is a wonder........yes of course, I am biased! And still it's not just me honest! I have virtual strangers complementing me on the spark he shares.....often! Of course some times he is cranky, distracted, ignorant, selfish, greedy, insensitive......and he is mostly present because he doesn't live in a fear state but in a love state. We've had some tough times.....I can be all of the above!!!...... I see the fluctuations.....but that's my basis for parenting these days. If I parent from love he has faith there is love in the world and inspires that love in those he meets and that reinforces his positive behaviour....for all of us have our 'imperfections' but what we focus our attention on and feed is what we experience so I know which way I want to face and which behaviour to feed....keep up the good work...be authentic.....love opens up more possibilities than fear I promise xxxx"

Yes, it is hard. Yes, it works. No, you can't be perfect and trying to be will surely be your downfall... I have very strong-willed four-year-old and since discovering Aha! parenting, I see differences in his ability to self-regulate and I feel like a kinder and more competent parent. I also worried that this approach might spoil my kids or cause more misbehavior, but it helps them to want to and to try to be better (notice the word here is better, not perfect)...

A specific example: My four-year-old son sometimes bursts into tears (with yelling) over seemingly ridiculous things. Last weekend, my son started crying and screaming at me over something I can't even remember now. I took a deep breath and resisted the urge to make him be respectful towards me and to basically tell him to get over it (my past usual reaction). I brought him to his room and held him on my lap and let him cry. I told him I understood why he wanted to do that and that it was hard not to be allowed to do things you want to do when you want to do them and that I bet he would do that all day long when he got bigger. He cried for maybe one minute, got up and said, "Okay, I'm done. Let's go to the park!"

In the past, these incidents would turn into major battles and end in my feeling exhausted and like a horrible parent because I didn't have the patience I needed. Sometimes, I still run out of patience and have to apologize. My son now apologizes to me too when he runs out of patience and explains to me that he was just frustrated but didn't mean it......

My eighteen-month old: Being my second child, he has the benefit of parents who have learned a bit from past mistakes. He does not have as many tantrums as my older son had at his age because I am more willing to let him explore his environment and don't have unrealistic expectations of how obedient he should be. He loves to play with water, so I let him stand on his little stool and splash around in the sink. If he gets too carried away, I redirect him. He accepts this redirection with less fuss because he is given more freedom to act like a toddler. My older son resisted me tremendously at that age because I put too many restrictions on the age-appropriate behaviors he exhibited!

I would say it definitely works...I would just share a recent incident(though there are quite a few more). It was my daughters 4th birthday and she had a school holiday. My elder son (6 yrs) had school. Everyone was calling up to wish my daughter well...I was busy with my son to send him to school. He generally never is fussy about geting ready for school...bit that day he was not eating his breakfast or taking a bath but was justwasting his time...I got irritated but then something within told me he must be feeling jealous. So i gave him a hug and asked if was feeling so he replied yes....then just for 5 minutes i took him in arms and told him that even i am feeling so...but its ok....that everyone has his own special day...and whether you believe it or not he was feeling better and went to school on time.... I was really happy that i could read his emotions and that i behaved in a proper manner. Thanks to you!

I have seen amazing improvement in my *very* angry 17 year-old son after acknowledging that there was a reason he was so angry and acting out. We have had several heartfelt conversations and I have seen a real change in how he treats his younger brother, and how he treats me.

What I have noticed by practicing Dr. Laura's advice on empathizing with your child, is that it does dissipate the conflict. I am not always good at it....and at times catch myself retaliating in the temper tantrum ....but then I catch myself...and try to remember what it must be like for these little guys. I try REALLY hard to put myself in their shoes. It's tough, but when I do stop myself, take a deep breath and switch gears to a more empathetic self....a lot changes....not in seconds, but usually within 10 mins or so. Its tough b/c I have three little ones, so to get time to focus on one and sit down alone with him and work it out, well it can be a juggling act. My husband uses humor with the kids when things turn south. It ALWAYS works. I am not as good with using humor when I'm frustrated, but definitely using empathy works for me.

And when giving a time-out (so to speak), I now always go on the "time out" with him. If he is violent, I keep my distance, by closing the gate or door if needed...but I always keep the connection (as Laura suggested). This has made a huge difference. To let him know his feelings are ok and that I am right there with him as he is raging has made a world of difference.

My husband & I talk about how hard raising kids are almost daily. But I do agree with Laura, its better to lay the ground work down now, when they are young. To keep that bond an connection with your child. Because if you do not, you can not get it back. Its like creating a brick wall. With each disconnect experience they feel from you, another brick is getting placed on the wall. As the child gets older, it will be too hard for them to really feel close to the parent on a deeper level because their trust has been broken. I have first hand experience with this. My parents, who practiced the old fashion methods of discipline, & I are not very close. I pray, I do not repeat this cycle and am trying hard to practice Dr. Laura parenting style. So far I see it is working!

Your advice has definitely changed my life! For starters, keeping my cup full (and being aware of the reasons for doing so) has helped enormously. Using humor and play to diffuse situations almost always works. The tantrums are easier to get through. Two things you said that have stuck with me:

1) Remember the innocence

2) Every difficult moment between child/parent is an opportunity to connect...

These two things have been huge for me!!!!!! I'm not always "perfect" but I'm sooo much better! And my two-year-old daughter has started volunteering apologies after the tantrum has cooled and she's had a chance to process everything. Finally, your advice about slowing down the pace, and being more flexible with as much as possible has really helped me with my own expectations. Thank you, Dr. Markham. You help me create small miracles every day. You have changed our lives for good!

Thank you so much for everything you do.

After several rough days in a row with my toddler, I felt like I might explode. She was being so defiant, whining, destroying everything in her path like a wild, angry tornado. I kept admonishing her, telling her to settle down, disciplining her. I never stopped to ask myself what *her* perspective was, or if I was doing something to add to her frustration.

After two days, I spent a few hours reading Aha! Parenting after I put my daughter down to bed.
The next morning, frustrated again, she smacked me. A little part of me died. But instead of getting angry, I remembered what I'd read the night before. I told her it was okay for her to be mad at me, but that we never, ever hit. It's not allowed. I said it seemed like she'd had a rough couple of days. With her very limited language, she simply said, "Yeah."

I told her that I'd been very distracted and busy and that we hadn't had any fun for a few days.
"Yeah," she said.

Then I asked her if she'd like to have a start-over hug. She threw her arms around me and held on boa constrictor-tight for about five minutes. When she finally pulled away from me, she had the brightest, biggest smile. I dropped all my work (no task will ever be as important as giving this baby of mine every opportunity to thrive) and we just played. And played. And we are still playing.

IT DOES WORK!!!! even though I don't end up following through ALL the way, I believe it helps. Kids mirror our behavior. If we yell, they yell. If we hit, they hit. Often, when my kids are nasty to each other, I'll say: why are you doing this. You know what they say? "because you do it mommy". That really hurts, because it's true. So the advice does work, even if you don't manage to follow through all the way, whatever you can implement is good.

Yes. It works. It's not an overnight cure, but it works....My mother was a yeller, and as hard as I tried, I couldn't stop yelling. ...I have been practicing approaching my children in this new way, and although some days I get it right, other days - especially if I'm tired - I just lose it. ...So you're absolutely right! Getting sleep is important. For me, it usually means letting go of "time alone" in the evening, and going to bed when the kids go to bed. But it's soooo worth it! 

In the morning I'm rested, and when the moment comes that I feel overwhelmed by my own emotional response to their behaviors—I can pause. In that pause, all the things I've been practicing on the kids come to mind. Only this time, I'm using them on myself. ...I respond empathetically to myself first. And that empathy, connection, and soft response flows then on down to the kids.

One of my biggest triggers has been when I'm trying to make food for them, and they come at me, one after another, demanding, crying, whining. I KNOW they're just hungry. I KNOW they really want my attention, and I don't have any more hands. And they. are. so. persistent. And loud.

Any all my calmness usually goes right out the window I'm staring out. But the last couple of times, I've been able to take a deep breath, and start with repeating their request back to them, "oh, you really want to paint right now. That sounds like fun." And in the time it takes them to describe respond, I breathe, and look for the "YES." Or try asking them to help me get ingredients, or stir (even if it doesn't need stirring). Instead of yelling, I am finding a way to meet their need to connect, to be close. (silent cheering for myself!!) And my kids are so enjoyable at the dinner table! They help clear off the table, put food out, and are excited to sit down together. What a difference!

So absolutely try this!! Learning how to respond to needs without yelling will have rewards beyond the joy, peace & warmth you will feel toward your kids (and they for you). These tools have improved every relationship I have - including with myself.

Your site works for me. It's awesome!

My son said to me one day "pinky swear you won't yell anymore?" That broke my heart and made me realize that yelling only hurts everyone. Doesn't mean I am perfect, but it was a good reminder!

I began using Aha! parenting suggestions around the time my daughter was nearly two years old. This was shortly after an incident where I had flipped out on her after *trying* to listen to her tantrum, and then getting so roiled up inside that I ended up screaming at her, shaking her roughly by the shoulders, and slamming the door to her bedroom as I abandoned her. It's hard to forget that horrified, terrified look on a little person's face! Poor dear. I realize now that I needed to take better care of myself, create some good boundaries, and do some "heart" work to fix some of the parenting ideas I'd been given by my parents. Mind you, my parents were good parents, but they were the type to spank me, then yell at me to "stop crying or they'd give me something to cry about."

It took a lot of faith that what Dr Laura said would work, and so much of it went against conventional wisdom that I was afraid to be the laughing stock of my circle of friends. But having nothing else in my parenting bag to try, I went for it. It was pretty hard for the first month or two - hard mentally. I had to stop my reactions, first of all, which was the most difficult thing. Once I could slow my reactions down and see what I was doing, see how it affected my daughter, and realize my own personal pain that I was projecting onto her, it rapidly became easier. Each time I reminded myself that a tantrum was no emergency, that her feelings wouldn't hurt me, and that I could just stay separate but supportive during her outbursts, it was confidence building. The tantrums grew shorter - but I cannot lie and tell you that it wasn't painful to hear some seemingly UNENDING tantrums at first. But then, when the tantrum was done - it was DONE! No lingering whining, no continued begging for this or that, no hitting or kicking. It's like the whole issue just disappeared. *poof!* The magic really happens when I see how easily my little girl lets go of all the awful, even hurtful mistakes I make, and now that she's old enough, she will openly tell me what she is feeling. All I have to do is wait it out, let her have her feelings, and let her know that I'm on her side - even if I can't give her all she wants. My daughter just turned three, and I tell you that now I am NOT AFRAID of tantrums anymore because they don't have the power to make me want to fight or run from my daughter, and I don't feel out of control even when I am tired, because I know what to do, how to love her the best I can, and that it works!

Lindsey, if you're doubting -- all I can say is...the proof is in the pudding. It really, really works. Try for one day, then just one more day. It takes commitment to spend time with your child at inconvenient moments, and to see your own needs more clearly. Once you become fully aware of your own needs, it makes it much much easier to meet others'. Blessings! Praying for ya!

From:  http://www.ahaparenting.com/best-parent-advice-solutions

Preschoolers are famous for asking questions, from the incessant "WHY?"...

Preschoolers (age 3-5 years)

Not a baby anymore, not even a toddler, your little one is a Preschooler -- what is often called the Wonder Years.  And wondrous they are, as your little one gains the ability to manage herself and control her emotions -- most of the time!

Want cooperation?  Connect with her, and make your routines fun.

Want a preschooler who goes to bed easily and doesn't have potty accidents? Make sure you meet his needs for security. 

Want a kid who talks instead of hitting or tantrumming?  Develop his emotional intelligence by empathizing and talking about feelings.  

Here's your game plan for bringing out the best in your preschooler.

Game Plan for Positive Parenting Your Preschooler:

Ages three to five have been called The Wonder Years, and wondrous they are, ping-ponging from whining and tantrums to politeness to cuddling to exuberance to exploding intellect.

Preschoolers are explorers, scientists, artists. They're learning how to be friends, how to engage with the world, how to control their bodies, emotions and minds. With a little help from you, these years will build a fertile foundation for your son or daughter's entire childhood.

What Your Preschooler Needs to Thrive:

1. Structure.

Regular routines help kids feel safe, and are vital for preschoolers, who grapple with big fears on a daily basis. The world is chaotic and scary to them; their household should be predictable. A calm, orderly and fun atmosphere, with regular meal and bedtime routines, will produce happier children who have the internal resources to meet daily developmental challenges.

2. Enough sleep.

Preschoolers may resist bedtime, but without sufficient sleep, three to five year olds simply do not have the resourcefulness to cope with the demands of their day. Develop a regular routine that helps her wind down and start relaxing well before bedtime. When he gives up his nap, be sure he still gets some downtime to rest every day.

3. Control over her own food intake.

You decide what food is accessible in your house, but your child needs the responsibility to decide how much she eats. Remember that children need frequent small meals, and if you don’t provide that, they’ll end up snacking all day. If you always provide a variety of healthy food, you can feel comfortable letting them choose which foods they eat and how much.

Worried about a picky eater? Serve a variety of healthy foods and avoid power struggles; your child will eventually enlarge her choices as her taste buds mature. As long as sweets aren't available (except as rare -- not daily -- treats), preschoolers will naturally choose healthy foods that meet their physical needs, over a period of time. Never set up a clean plate as the goal; instead, when they say they're done, ask them how their body feels. (Obesity starts in preschool!) If you're bothered by throwing the food away, ask yourself why not wasting food is more important than your child's future physical health and body image?

4. Help with Emotions.

While your child may no longer have frequent melt-downs, he still has big feelings, and he still needs you to "listen" to those feelings on a regular basis. All kids need daily laughter to vent the anxieties that inevitably build up in a small person grappling to manage herself in a big, often overwhelming world, so be sure to build daily roughhousing into your schedule. And you can expect your preschooler to sometimes express his needs as an attack, meaning that a child who is hurting may well yell "I hate you; I want a new Mom!" 

Don't take it personally. Instead, empathize even while you set limits. "You must be so upset to speak to me that way...I guess you're very disappointed...You really wanted to, and I said No....I'm sorry this is so hard, Sweetie."

5. Empathic limits.

If you want well-behaved kids, resist any impulse to punish. Kids this age need guidance and limits, because they are actively learning the rules and how the world works, and naturally they will test to see just where those limits are. Remember, though, that their brains are still developing. They get flooded with emotion very easily. When you set limits, they get upset, partly because they want what they want, but partly because they worry about your disapproval. It helps them to calm themselves if you empathize with their disappointment or anger. Doing this now will help them learn to control their own emotions over time, and to maintain their equilibrium in the face of upsets as they get older. Research shows that when young children are punished, their behavior actually worsens. (For more on why, see Why Positive Parenting ».) Instead, set limits and empathize with feelings to help your child WANT to behave. This helps him develop self-discipline, rather than relying on you to regulate him.

6. Interaction time with parents.

Your preschooler's brain is experiencing rapid growth and consolidation, both in learning facts and in learning emotional self-regulation. Lots of intimate time with physically and emotionally affectionate parents is critical for your preschooler's emotional -- and even brain -- development. This means what psychologists call "Floor Time," which is getting down on his level to work together building that train track or tower. The point isn't the intellectual work of the building, but the emotional connection you make over it -- and the nurturing support you offer when the project inevitably runs into snags. Daily, unstructured "Special Time" with your child during which you let your child take the lead will build your relationship. If you can't bear one more game of superhero or dollhouse, offer your child "Cozy Time" instead. Just snuggle up on the couch with a pile of books for a lazy half hour, and make sure you take plenty of time out to talk about what you're reading, or about her day. Here's a whole page of Games to build closeness & emotional intelligence! »

7. To be Heard.

Preschoolers are famous for asking questions, from the incessant "WHY?" to badgering parents to change their minds about a limit. This can drive a parent crazy, unless you look under the surface at the reason for the question. Your child wants more than information; he wants to feel heard, to be acknowledged, to tell you what he thinks, to weave together his world view with your help, and to have you respond to the turbulent emotions that often threaten to overwhelm his emerging intellectual control. When your child pesters you with WHY? questions and doesn't seem satisfied with your answers so she keeps on asking, turn it around and ask her the question.

8. Help in learning to express herself without whining.

Whining can drive even the most patient parent crazy. But whining is a signal that your child needs help, either in processing emotions that are weighing on her, or in meeting other needs. She's not just trying to get her way; she's expressing the need all preschoolers have to begin to master their environment by asserting some control. Luckily, there are some secrets to stop your child from Whining.

9. School.

Children three and older usually thrive at school, and for most of them, it is preferable to a full day at home with a parent or caregiver. But we need to remember that kids under the age of five have to work very hard to hold it together in a group setting. Their cortisol levels -- that's the stress hormone -- become elevated when they stay at school in the afternoon, compared to children who go home after lunch, indicating that they're under stress. In high quality settings, where the caretakers are stable and the child feels connected, this is less pronounced. But if a child is experiencing elevated cortisol levels on a regular basis, that's associated with less effective immune response, sleep issues, crankiness, and other risk factors. That's why many three and even four year olds do better with a nap and the afternoon at home after school. And no child under the age of seven is ready to be in an institution until 6pm daily. If your child isn't thriving with full-day school, the cost of a babysitter to be with your child at home half days after school will more than pay off in a calmer, happier, more cooperative child.

10. Social Time.

Preschoolers are biologically designed to look up to older kids. In the tribal cultures natural to humans, young children who are old enough to leave the parent tag along with the big kids and learn social skills. Since our children are usually in groups of same-age peers, they often need adult help and modeling to learn to "take turns" or refrain from bossiness. Four year olds are experimenting with appropriate use of power, so they're famous for bossiness and even bullying. Don't feel bad about stepping in at the playground to model appropriate social behavior. How else are they supposed to learn? 
For help with social skills » 
For help with bossiness » 
For help when your child is starting to bully » 
To empower your child against bullying »

11. Downtime.

Everything is stimulating to your preschooler, from seeing the dump truck on the street to the candy in the grocery store. While playdates and field trips stimulate his emotional and intellectual development, he needs substantial unstructured time at home to simply play and regroup in the safety of his cozy home base, where he can let his hair down and take a deep breath in a quiet place.

Parents of preschoolers in our culture face a big challenge. Most three, four and five year olds don't have lots of siblings or cousins readily accessible to play with, and they can't read yet. Parents have other things to do. How to keep kids constructively occupied?

Many parents solve this by letting their kids spend many of their awake hours watching TV or playing computer or video games. Because preschoolers' brains are still in a critical developmental phase, engaging with screens changes the way their brains develop, literally shortening their attention spans for life. Screens are also so easy to use that kids who come to depend on them for fun are less likely to become motivated readers. What's more, creating this habit early in life deprives children of the essential skill of structuring their own time. But there are alternatives to screen time for your kids, and the good news is that once kids get used to structuring their own time, they'll be much less interested in screens.